Relationship Hell to Relationship Health
/Trauma strips us of our self-worth, erodes our authentic power, and starves our lives of growth and progress. Life often feels like it’s on repeat, an endless series of tasks that lack meaning or context. It’s a lot of existing without much progress.
Part of the legacy trauma leaves behind includes a broken heart, an inability to fully be intimate, and a shredded sense of existence. This description may seem dramatic, but to the person who struggles with living a full, happy, and free life, this is all too accurate.
But there is hope!!
My husband and I are in our seventh year as a couple. Today we celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. For about ten years prior to our “finding each other,” I was in relationship hell. It was chaos in my world, as I dated men who cheated, abused, and hurt me deeply. (To be fair, I wasn’t easy to be with. And crazy people make sane people crazy, so I’m happy to own my part in the chaos. And I experienced hurtful things.) I share this so that you know…I relate to your experience.
So what happened?
How did I move out of relationship hell to relationship health?
After accepting that I was the common denominator in my heart’s chaos, I got real about doing my inner work. I mastered the art of being single and loving it…but there’s little risk required in staying single. Vulnerability is optional, and self-regulation is a cinch when you live with yourself. It was time for me to learn how to be in a healthy relationship.
Notice the qualification of healthy. I’d been in plenty of painful relationships and related in ways that robbed me of my self-esteem and confidence. I knew how to fight and break up; I didn’t know how to work things out and stay. My romantic relationships rarely were a place of safety and nourishment. So I got serious about my intention and vowed to honor my desire.
That intention and vow have grown stronger over the last several years. Marriage can be eternally miserable, utterly blah, or it can be a place that allows each person to blossom into their fullest self-expression. My husband and I actively choose the latter, which is why I can say HAPPY two-year anniversary.
There are two requirements for a happy, healthy relationship:
Person A is willing to and does whatever it takes to be happy and healthy with Person B.
Person B is willing to and does whatever it takes to be happy and healthy with Person A.
It may seem simplistic to say it this way, but it’s true. “The One” is a myth … there isn’t some Prince Charming waiting around the corner to rescue us from our pain. The only one who’s going to make it all better is the Inner Guide, which is the one with which you’re already joined. Maybe you don’t know it yet, but all you need to be loved fully is already within you.
It’s often hard for us trauma survivors to hear that. We’ve struggled for so long, and we deeply wish someone would help. The flip side of that perspective is that we can discover our resourcefulness and power as we navigate and lead our own healing journeys.
Loving yourself is the fastest way to meeting someone else who will love you. It’s also one of the most difficult tasks we take on. Because we don’t know what love looks, sounds, or feels like, we have to go on faith to determine what love is and isn’t. You probably know what love isn’t…
Love empowers, lifts up, and supports our growth to live happy, joyous, and free.
DISCLAIMER: If you’re already in a relationship where abuse of any sort (mental, emotional, spiritual, physical) is happening, do not listen to a thing I said until you’re safe and supported. Immediately find help to get yourself to a safe environment. If you need help finding resources, please contact me and I will do my best to put you in touch with people in your area who can help. You do not have to live with abuse.
Also, thanks to Michelle Guzman for the outstanding photography on our wedding day!