Exhaling Years of Terror
/That feeling when you exhale years of terror from your body…
This morning, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris made history together, securing the electoral votes needed to become the 46th President and Vice President of the United States. Many of us are elated. I think I felt relief first. And then I ugly cried. And did my signature happy dance.
Four years ago, when 45 stood in this position, I felt an old, familiar sense of impending doom. Anyone who’s been in an unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship knows what I’m talking about. We saw this character from a mile away.
The man (some women do these things, too) who thinks he’s above reproach.
The man who leads you to believe that he cares, but behind the scenes is thinking only of himself.
The man who lies, cheats, and steals…then accuses others of doing the same.
The man who says crass, horrible things and gets away with it because no one wants to challenge him.
The man who bullies others into giving up what matters to them.
The man who paints himself as the victim to invite sympathy and support.
The man who promises to take care of the problems, which are oddly always because of other people.
The man whose larger than life personality sucks all of the oxygen out of the room…and leaves you wondering “what happened” when he’s walked out.
The man who continues to be backed and supported no matter how many times we cried, “Stop! You’re hurting me. I can’t breathe.”
The man who many will go back to, because they think they’re safer and better off with him than standing on their own for something more.
Healing is About Change Management
If you’ve ever walked out of a relationship like that - CONGRATULATIONS! - then you know that we’re facing a hard, long road ahead of us. To muster the strength and conviction to walk away is among the most challenging of changes to make. Americans have overwhelmingly voted to walk away from a bad relationship. And we know the work is far from over; our tentative first steps to form a new future must be met with some serious change management. Healing, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is all about change management.
Here’s what comes next.
We will feel excited, elated, overjoyed, and hopeful at first. We’ll celebrate and raise the roof as we realize that our voices—our very Being—matters. We’ll call our friends, pop open the champagne, and feel like we can breathe again. This new opening will feel outstanding, akin to the “anything is possible” attitude we have when we’re falling in love. The stars have aligned, hallelujah we are free at last! Our nervous systems are excited and we’re full of energy.
Soon, however, we’ll face some cognitive dissonance as we realize that some of our ideas clash with our new ones. We may not have realized the challenges ahead, how uncomfortable we’d feel, the conversations we might have to have, or the uncertainty about who we are outside of this terribly toxic relationship. We may hear messages that challenge our worth, value, or perspectives. We start to realize that there is actually more work ahead than we anticipated. And we wonder if we can do it. Let me answer that question: Yes we can. Here our nervous systems are agitated and our energy is starting to stall.
Moving Forward After Trauma
THIS is where one of three things happens when we endeavor to move forward after trauma (and be sure—Americans have been traumatized by 45 and every single person who didn’t stand up to him):
(1) We unconsciously react to our fear as we realize that shit is about to get real, and we stop moving forward. We find ourselves stalled or stuck, unable to advocate for ourselves or a new reality. This is the “do nothing and spin” phase. We don’t stand up for ourselves. We don’t learn new skills. We don’t actively pursue goals or new ideas. Our nervous systems are “in fight/flight/freeze.”
(2) We unconsciously react to our fear (there are a lot of these strategies, email me to talk about them), and we go back to the relationship we so fervently left. In the case of the American political process, this means we become complacent again. We fail to cultivate the long-term engagement that’s needed to ensure domestic tranquility. In the case of interpersonal relationships, this is when we go back to that toxic situation. Our nervous systems are “in fight/flight/freeze.”
Both of those responses are expected. This is expected. The Self is seeking homeostasis. When we move too far, too fast from our comfort zones, our nervous systems go BANANAS. Alarm bells start going off, sensing danger that may or may not be imminent. This is where most change efforts “fail.”
A third option awaits us…
(3) We consciously respond to our fear (notice a theme here?), and we start to forge a path forward. We do not return to our old relationships and we find new ways to engage with people and with our lives. We know with every fiber of our being that going backward won’t work, and in the face of not knowing what to do, we do something new. We accept errors as part of the process. We test, we learn, and we grow. We re-commit to our vision repeatedly, and we build the character and resilience capacity that it takes to see our dreams through.
Learning How to Grow
We learn how to work with our nervous systems, holding space for the impulse to REACT to fear while we usher the courage to PAUSE so that we can bring our Inner Wisdom to the party, CALM our nerves (literally), and THINK CLEARLY as we RESPOND to our fear. We learn to work with the energy of “fight/flight/freeze” and REGULATE it so that our ideas, choices, conversations, and commitments become aligned with a higher purpose.
In this third option, we are powerfully moving forward, as we rely on our inner resources to create a more ideal future. This third option requires an openness that’s not available to us when fear is controlling our biology and our neurology. And it’s the only path to true healing.
Friends, I know the path of healing trauma well. Not only have I walked my own healing journey for decades, but I’ve also been the coach to many more as they’ve walked theirs. Of this I am certain: YOU WILL HEAL, if it’s what you desire. Sometimes we don’t realize how impactful taking on our inner work could be: Healing the soul of you is the most direct way to participate in healing the soul of the nation.
If you’d like to learn more about how to use the energy of anxiety, stress, and trauma to build resilience capacity so that you can inspire and lead change, please contact me.