Healing from Trauma
/Wednesday’s events shook me to my core. My mother is an immigrant who came to the U.S. in the 1960s, taught herself English, and then worked her way through academia to teach political science at the college level. Through her hopeful and grateful eyes, she taught me to to love America and our form of government. Never in my lifetime have I felt like our democracy was in imminent danger, until the dawn of Donald Trump’s political career and Wednesday’s attack on the Capitol.
Limited Influence Became Global Presence
As a “businessman,” Trump’s influence was limited to circles in which he traveled. He could affect a limited number of people, which kept the rest of us safe from his abuse. But when Trump started to advance his selfish agenda through politics, he was empowered to infect the world, touching the everyday lives of people who never before had to think about whether or not they were safe in their own country.
This is, by and large, a white person’s problem. People of color have long worried about these things (is it safe to be who I am here and now, would the government actually support someone like me), and they’ve been fighting to be seen and heard for a long time. I can only imagine the rage and exhaustion they must feel.
What Was in the Background is Now in the Foreground
Before the shit show of domestic terrorism, committed by [primarily white] people who wanted to retain control of the very institution they tried to burn down, the fragility of democracy was apparent. But for too many years, we took for granted our Constitutional rights as the government functioned in the background. We ignored the minor infringements on our neighbors, and the multiplicity of metaphorical paper cuts turned into giant wounds. The interests of big business have annihilated the focus on “we the people,” and money has become our God. This isn’t a statement about the people of our nation; it’s a statement that our political and economic systems are intertwined; human dignity is often scarified for economic gain in America. Many politicians care more about money than they do about their constituents.
It took some kind of maniac to shake the country to its core.
Divided We Fall
Nearly 63 million people voted in 2016 to promote the narcissism of one man to the highest office in the land. This year, over 74 million people voted to KEEP him in office—after he’d denigrated nearly every single human classification there is and shredded long-standing traditions and relationships. Like Trump, these 74 million people acted like they care only about their individual agendas. They voted for him because of the tax rate; his stance on abortion; his stance on China. All along, these people backed him up because he “tells it like it is.” They didn’t open their eyes and look at the bigger picture. They just followed the rhetoric, regardless of how incongruent it may have been with their faith or their ideals.
The cognitive dissonance that Trump exhibited wore us out. Exhausted from explaining to people that he was lying, many of us just decided to cut ties with his followers. That’s a healthy thing to do, you know. When someone lies, insists that they’re right, refuses to accept reality, and leaves you holding a bag of confusion, it’s horribly painful. NOT engaging with that person is a good way to take care of yourself. And yet… many of us were called out for taking such a healthy position on being in relationship with others who behaved this way. It’s crazy making. Distance is appropriate when someone is unsafe.
For all of the negative things that I can say about Trump, and there are many, I’ll offer this acknowledgement: He is a master salesman. Sadly, he is a disgrace to professional salespeople who truly do good work. Trump took salesmanship to a new level and used his skill to influence to serve selfish ends. He cares nothing about humanity; his primary interests are in amassing wealth and saving face. While I understand that his behavior comes out of wounding and protection, it doesn’t excuse him for the harm he’s done. He’s some kind of maniac.
Catching Your Breath
Wednesday didn’t come as a surprise, but it was still a shock. Common responses to shock are aligned with the fight/flight/freeze response of the nervous system: Anger (fight) - Mobilization of resources (flight) - Depression (freeze). So whatever you’re feeling or experiencing in your inner world, let it be. Get to know the grief process, because we’re going to be spending some time there as we recover from domestic terrorism. This isn’t going to be easy; recovering from trauma and moving forward never is.
At the moment, it appears many in power are standing up for democracy and for the American people. It seems the maniac is contained. We can tentatively take a collective deep breath while we stand in the ashes of Wednesday’s fire and let the dust and debris settle. And yet we cannot rest on our laurels as the threat itself remains very much out there.
That’s sometimes the hardest part of healing trauma: needing time and space to process but having to get on with the business of daily living. Be easy with yourself. You may make mistakes or show up a little less available than before. People might tell you that it’s not OK. No one but you is the arbiter of your healing process. Be aware of what you need and allow yourself to ask for it.
Moving Forward
There are 74 million people who’ve revealed themselves as allies to Trump’s mindset: me first. While this points to people who haven’t developed the capability to move “from me to we” yet, it simultaneously shows us that selfishness always creates chaos.
There are over 81 million people who’ve revealed themselves as allies to Biden’s mindset: we’re in this together. These people seem to be aware that “divided we fall, united we stand.”
The great thing about being a human is that we have the power to choose which mindset, and therefore outcomes, we create.
I hope that we’ve learned something from the last several years of insanity. Here’s my top 10 list:
People of color and marginalized groups should be seen, heard, and believed when they tell us that there’s a systemic problem.
Just because you believe it does’t make it true.
“Alternative facts” is another way to say “bullshit.” It’s prettier, but putting lipstick on a pig doesn’t make it a peacock.
Anger, while a great mobilizer, is destructive if it’s channeled inappropriately.
The future of our great republic rests on finding a way to promote peace within our borders. We have a lot of work to do.
Leadership isn’t a popularity contest. Leadership is the responsibility of guiding people to a good today and a great tomorrow.
Inclusivity is a requirement for healing and growth.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds; sometimes it makes things worse. Listening to understand and holding space for pain, though, does start the healing process.
Drama and trauma are natural outcomes of delusional thinking and behavior. Hope and healing are natural outcomes of living in reality. And we can choose the side on which we stand.
Good prevailed because people were willing to use their resources (time, energy, money, voices) to serve a higher purpose. Peaceful resistance made all the difference. Learning how to respond to threat in effective ways might be the most positive contribution each of us can make to society as a whole.
We heal trauma by moving forward. And each of us has our own timeline and process. Eventually we’ll feel the desire to get “unstuck,” and when we do, we can start wondering, “How will I use what’s happened to be a force for good?” The answers will come. They always do.