You Can't Force Your Way Into Desire

Every trauma survivor I know tells me that their passion is missing, their mojo is gone, or their spark is nowhere to be found. You are not alone.

This can be brutally frustrating for us because no matter how hard we try, desire doesn’t come back when we beg and plead, cajole and pressure. Desire only comes back when she’s ready, a fickle minx who doesn’t come around when our energies are tied up in problem solving and task mastering. BUT THAT IS HOW WE HAVE SURVIVED TO NOW!! How on earth can we let go of the very survival strategies that are what we’ve done to keep us safe and certain?

Oh man, the pain of trying to make yourself want something is crushing, isn’t it?

At one time I lived by the mantra, “Bring the body and the mind will follow.” Honestly, sometimes the mind didn’t follow. I was resentful, angry, and felt powerless. I knew my own desires and chose otherwise because someone else told me it would be good for me. Those experiences helped me tune in and vow to myself to listen to my own inner wisdom. And with that came change for the better.

NOTE: I did learn to overcome my own objections to healthy things with that mantra. For example, running is hard. I don’t always WANT to run, but if I’m training for something, I likely need to get the miles in. So I go for the run whether or not my brain wants to. And since I learned to tune in to my cues, if the body just isn’t in to it, I give myself permission to do something else that’s more in line with my energy in the moment. The result of all this yoga and mindfulness is that I’m better able to respond intelligently to the situation at hand than I would be if I didn’t do it. The point is: sometimes it helps to just take action and not listen to your own objections. You’ll figure out what works and doesn’t work for you. I totally believe in you.

OK, let’s get back to listening to your inner wisdom to sustain change…

In my last post, I talked about cultivating awareness, and that’s because it supports mindful change. Rather than responding to external pressure (force) or internal demands (force), you can change because something inside of you wants to.

The must dramatic and sustainable change I’ve seen (and experienced) were quietly called forth from within. The result of awareness, acceptance, and hope, an inner longing for change has enough fuel to overcome objections, inertia, and obstacles.

Reflect for a moment on a major change you’ve made. Does this hold true for you? If so, please stay with me.

When we want to heal our trauma, we experience a variety of external factors that bring more pain and turmoil than we’d like. We absolutely want our outsides to get better, but what really drives us is the deep desire for our insides to feel “OK.” We just want to be at peace. And we know that in order to find peace, we’ll have to go places we’ve never been willing to go before.

The desire to walk the healing path cannot be forced upon us, no matter how difficult our lives get on the outside. Ultimately it’s our choice to free what’s been stuck for so long. We didn’t choose our trauma, but we get to choose what to do with our lives afterward. If you ask me, that’s among the places where we start to recover our power.

Cultivating a practice of stillness, or being, or doing nothing is helpful to allow desire to emerge.

If seated meditation isn’t your thing (on some days I can’t stand it), go for a slow walk outside (ditch your tech) and tune into your breath. Maybe turn off the car radio and drive in silence (ditch your tech). Fold your laundry or do your dishes without a podcast or song playing (ditch your tech). Are you picking up a theme here? DITCH YOUR TECH.

In short: If you can’t sit still, just turn off the noisemakers and tune in to your breath while you do the other things. Notice your thoughts. Then return to the task at hand. (This might happen 854 times in the course of 3 minutes. That’s expected, and you’re not doing it wrong. Just notice and breathe.)

Join me in the next post for a conversation about willingness! And please engage with me. I love hearing from you, in all your moods, feelings, and states.