How do I know if someone is safe for me?
/As promised, my post on discerning safe people. . .
Let me begin with this: There are a ton of resources out there on this subject. There are books, articles, counselors, and self-proclaimed experts on this subject. What I am going to share here is my personal experience. I’ve done my research through both academic and experimental means. The experiments were painful but proved to offer lasting learning. I’ll invite you to read what I’ve shared and check it with your own experience. The ONLY expert on you is YOU.
And now we begin.
It’s funny that I wrote this post last week, and I was waiting to publish it…and when I opened it this morning I deleted everything and started over completely. The first thought I had was that I didn’t want to provide another checklist for you to watch someone else’s behavior. Chances are, you’ve become so accustomed to watching others and scanning your external environment that you’ve lost touch with what’s going on inside. And your gut response IS the one you can trust…if only you could feel it and believe that the information it’s sharing is, in fact, accurate.
So that brings us to step 1: You’re invited to stop focusing so diligently on “him” or “her” and start focusing intently on you. This is your choice…and it’s one that’s courageous. After all, knowing “their” next move has always helped you plan your defense. But that maybe has gotten old for you, and you’re hoping to find something that’s not so dang hard, taxing, and draining.
This method worked for me: Simply notice where your focus is and then invite yourself to focus on you.
The second step is about curiosity. As you begin to focus on yourself, I’ll invite you to be curious about your experience with this person. You may want to breathe deeply, all the way down into your belly. Deep belly breaths are helpful here - they’ll slow down the racing heart and take your fight-or-flight system offline…calling forth the rest-and-digest functions of your nervous system. It’s funny that it’s called a “nervous” system. But I digress…
If you’re breathing deeply and that feels comfortable for you, invite yourself to be curious about your experience with this person.
In step 3, you might start to experience memories and body sensations. You may remember that when you asked for what you wanted, this person shut you down. I mean, all you wanted was to use the bathroom…it’s not a big ask to stop at the gas station, and yet when you asked, the person’s response was more aligned with you asking them to give you their firstborn child than it was a response to a request to stop and use the bathroom. There are a zillion more examples like this…I’ll invite you to fill in that story with your own. Also, it can be helpful to maintain a strong, steady breathing pattern through this process. If “stuff” starts to come up, it can activate the fight-or-flight response. I’ll invite you to befriend your breath over and over again to help you and your executive function to stay “online.”
And then … notice how you feel (or felt) around that person.
You may now have some information. You might be more informed about your own experience.
The fourth step is to allow yourself to receive this information. Sometimes our patterns can be deeply ingrained against receiving new or different information. We may not want to know what someone isn’t safe for us, because that might mean taking new action. We may not want to admit that someone loves us and is safe because that might mean dropping our defenses and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. All of that is “expected.” Nothing is normal, friends, so let’s stop using that word. It’s expected for you to have an ambivalent response to new information.
Allow yourself to receive any new information or impressions that arise.
And rounding us out at step number 5: let it go. WHAAAT? Jaime, you’re telling me that I have all this information and I’m supposed to just let it go? YAS. I don’t mean forget it. I mean…that was a lot for your nervous system to process. That was a lot for your body-mind-spirit. So in the spirit of great self-care…after something that’s intense like that, I’ll suggest that you release your focus on it and do something physical. You might walk around the room, you might grab a glass of cool water, you might go for a run or take a yoga class.
Whatever your favorite method of physical activity, allow yourself to participate in it now.
To sum it up, here are the 5 steps:
Simply notice where your focus is and then invite yourself to focus on you.
If you’re breathing deeply and that feels comfortable for you, invite yourself to be curious about your experience with this person.
And then … notice how you feel (or felt) around that person.
Allow yourself to receive any new information or impressions that arise.
Whatever your favorite method of physical activity, allow yourself to participate in it now.
….. AND THEN WHAT?
I know that I haven’t given you any answers. I’ve done that intentionally because I trust your inner wisdom. I trust that after going through these five steps you’ll know what your next steps could be. There is a divine source of inspiration and wisdom running through you always. It’s that wisdom that we’re working to tap into. By slowing down our nervous systems and settling into a more calm state, we are better able to hear our internal urgings.